China Doll

Sad glass eyes

and porcelain skin,

dissolve the walls of my ice prison.

I see the sun,

the first time in so long.

In shock

I stagger round blind.

In those few seconds…I lost sight of those eyes.

Her blass* skin

blended in with the snow.

Sweet china doll, be my marionette.

I wanna play

wanna take you away;

but I never want you to forget.

She doesn’t want saving.

I know.

But it’s hard to let her ghost just go.

Must I leave this place alone?

So now I’m free

but I’m afraid.

The wind is screaming,

but his voice soon fades.

I’ll pick myself up,

and I’ll jump;

off this mountain.

Sweet china doll, be my marionette.

I wanna play

wanna take you away;

but I never want you to forget.

Sweet china doll.

Nyfodd Von

*pale of colour/watery (German) also colourless (Norwegian)

Broken Mirrors

Written March '05

The mirror is broken, once again.
The smell sweat, sex, smoke and shame.
The drink and drugs...
they warm inside.
The symptoms don't lie and yet we all still hide.

A hard earned reputation, it kicks me in the face.
A deceitful liar,
he drapes himself in lace.
My stomach churns and my knuckles ache,
for the greatest of us lose to those cheats
and those fakes.

I'm afraid to lose...once bitten is twice shy.
I hide in melodies, for they:
they cannot lie.
I need to help myself and so do all of you.
At least we've got our pride
to help us see it through.

We've all been shot in the back; or stabbed in the heart.
For some, it makes us stronger.

The rest?

They're torn apart.

tipping the first domino

I feel as though you have caught me at the wrong time.

These last few months have felt like a sluggish trudge up a muddy bank. Although, I believe, this route is the right direction for me to go; I can't help but find it terribly boring.

My life has been lacking those electric moments that make you feel alive.
The mountainous highs and cavernous lows, that shape your own personal landscape.

I have patience and productivity, but no passion. I have no battles to fight, no solutions to find and no meaningful flings to speak of.

However, I am not pessimistic.

It's as if I'm crossing a desert, with every dune I climb I expect there to be an oasis on the other side. Although I've not seen one in a while, I know I'll find one in the end. And it will be worth the wait.

All this said therefore, the here and now does not feel like the proper place to start this blog. If I find an oasis, I'll let you know. But in the mean time, without meaning to sound ostentatious, there are better stories to tell than my current slow march across imaginary sands.

It is my intention then, to dedicate large parts of this blog to a more intriguing period of my life. One that I have often wanted to write about:

February '05
I had to make a decision, not an unusual one. One I expect many seventeen year-old boys have had to make. My choice, however, would lock me into a roller-coaster seat for the next two and half years or so. Although I didn't know it, this was a pivotal moment. I had tipped the first domino, now they were all about to fall.